Confused by all the buzzwords floating around in the digital economy? Media Guy is here to help.
Adblock — n. A service that kidnaps your kittens, puts them in a sack and then drowns them in the river — unless you pay Adblock to “whitelist” your kittens, in which case they will be allowed to live. Wait, did I say kittens? I meant your online ads.
Big data — n. Data so big other data jogs around it to get exercise! Data so big it had to go to SeaWorld to get baptized! Data so big it puts its lipstick on with a paint-roller! Data so big …
BuzzFeed — n. The media version of a Pez dispenser. Also, a way to monetize Reddit.
Gamify — v. To amuse yourself while other people are being totally boring. Usage: Sen. McCain gamified the hearing on Syria by playing poker on his iPhone.
Google Glass — n. Electronic headgear that allows the NSA to directly monitor everything you do, without having to rely on the usual middleware (email, phone calls, social media).
Hyperlocal — n. A business theory that maintains that if you make your way to the end of a rainbow, you’ll find a small community of leprechauns underserved by traditional mass media. All it takes to get them to hand over their pot of gold is to a) create specialized, engaging editorial content tailored not just to leprechauns in general but to this particular community of leprechauns, and b) determine which of the leprechauns is a small-business owner, and then sell him overpriced banner ads that none of the other leprechauns will click on.
Hyperloco — adj. To be so rattled by the challenges of the hyperlocal marketplace that you do something very rash and very public. Usage: The boss went hyperloco and fired Bob at the breakfast meeting for Instagramming his danish.
Instagram — n. Smartphone software that allows you to photograph your danish at breakfast meetings so that, once you get fired for photographing your danish at one of those breakfast meetings, you’ll be able to look back at your library of danish photos and reminisce about how great it was when you used to get free danishes at work.
iPad Mini — n. The ideal tablet computer for light-flow days.
Mobile — adj. Slipped away. Usage: We used to have pretty decent revenue, but then all our traffic went mobile.
Native advertising — n. A kitten that pretends not to be a kitten so Adblock doesn’t drown it in a river. (See Adblock, above.)
Patch — n. A mythical land of high-income leprechauns and prosperous leprechaun small-business owners. (See hyperlocal, above.)
Real-time advertising — n. Topical ads seen by the media on Twitter but by no actual consumers. Usage: Thanks to incredibly effective real-time advertising, the TechCrunch writer decided to serve Oreos instead of pizza at his next Super Bowl party and/or royal birth!
Reddit — n. A site that serves as a crib sheet for bloggers and the mainstream media. Usage: Bob had page-view quotas to meet and had run out of ideas for posts, so he went on Reddit and rewrote a few things he found on its home page.
Trendrr — n. A very au courant gay pirate recently acqui-hired by Twitter.
Tumblr — n. A source of free pornography recently acquired by a logo-redesign shop.
Tumbly — adj. Porny. Usage: Miley Cyrus’ Video Music Awards performance on MTV was so tumbly, wasn’t it?
TV Everywhere — n. A religious doctrine that maintains that, like Scientology or Starbucks, TV is simply not ubiquitous enough yet — but it’s only a matter of time.
Vine — n. A brief video tailor-made for people whose attention spans are so short their minds start to wander halfway through a tweet.
Yahoo — n. A logo-redesign shop.
Yelp — n. An anguished cry, similar to a Wilhelm Scream, emitted by a local retailer who is being mysteriously bullied by anonymous online reviewers.
Simon Dumenco is the “Media Guy” media columnist for Advertising Age. Follow him on Twitter @simondumenco.